Episode 602:  BUSH ALMIGHTY

Seemingly out of the blue, Cheney tells everybody that he (and Dubya) have the power to declassify state secrets.  They really don’t, but who cares because Cheney shot a man in the face (see last weeks episode).  This is good news . . . right?  Too many government secrets after all.  But  wait!!!  “Scooter” Libby said he was ordered to leak the identity of ex active CIA agent Valerie Plame to the press by ONE OF HIS SUPERIORS (i.e. Bush and/or Cheney).  That would be a CRIME if he were ordered to expose the secret identity of a CIA agent - someone who was working to collect intelligence for the US on nuclear proliferation activities in Iran - just for political retribution against her husband, a Bush administration critic.  But it wouldn’t be a crime if the identity wasn’t a state secret.  And it wouldn’t be a secret if Cheney declassified it.  And he doesn’t have to prove he declassified it if the process of declassification is itself a secret.  So if Cheney says he has the power to declassify government secrets, then his outing a CIA agent’s identity isn’t a crime.  Why?  Because he says so. 

Episode 603:  TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN

Dubya decides to have a nationwide garage sale, and everything is on the table.  First up on the block:  six major U.S. ports that nobody’s going to miss.  Funny things is, the highest bidder is a state-owned company of the United Arab Emirates, the very same people that laundered the terrorist money for 9-11.  This is a very amusing dilemma for the man that once said “ any nation that continues to harbor or support terrorism will be regarded by the United States as a hostile regime.”  Will Dubya go for the tough on terrorists thing, or will he go for the billions of dollars?  Hint:  Dubya outsources the Secret Service to Moqtada al Sadr’s Medhi militia; Smithsonian collection goes on eBay.

Episode 604:  TEX, LIES, AND VIDEOTAPE

An embarrassing videotape turns up showing Dubya in a compromising position . . . being himself.  Seems that George was told that there were grave concerns that the levees in New Orleans would be breached by Hurricane Katrina, and it was caught on tape.  Even more embarrassing was that four days later, and three days after New Orleans flooded, Dubya appeared on Good Morning America and said “I don’t think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees.”  Oops!!!  Fortunately for our Moron, the videotape of Dubya yelling at his staff saying “F__k the Constitution -- it’s just a goddamned piece of paper!” hasn’t seen the light of day yet.  Or the video of Bush instructing his cabinet to make the case for war with Iraq in the days immediately after 9-11.  Or the video of Dubya snorting coke at Yale.  Or the video of Dubya on the ranch milking that male horse . . .

Episode 605:  WAG THE MORON

Bush launches Operation Smarmy!!!  The largest air operation in Iraq since “Mission Accomplished” three years ago, this bold new military offensive is designed to quash sectarian violence and make Iraq a more “peance and freance” society.  The logic is beautiful in its simplicity.  Dubya reasons that the holy shrines throughout Iraq are the targets of insurgents wishing to incite civil war between Shi’ites and Sunnis.  As such, their mere presence poses an ongoing security threat and a clear and present danger to the fledgling democracy in that country.  No more mosques . . . no more problems.  Once our aerial bombardment flattens these domed hotbeds of radicalism and topples the minareted towers of death, Iraq will finally be a safe haven where its people can practice whatever religion they wish (within the prudent confines of Christianity).  Without the nagging call to prayer five times a day, Iraqis will have a lot more time to build churches and toss flowers at their American liberators.  Past major U.S. offensives such as Operation Blind Retribution, Operation Enduring Head Wound, and Operation Resurrect Approval Ratings were highly successful on cable TV, although they did not play as well in tough towns like Fallujah.  It is the hope of our Moron In Charge that Operation Smarmy will weed out anti-American sentiment in that country once and for all, creating a safe and sterile environment in which slime mold and sturdy insects can repopulate the land.

Episode 606:   W  FOR  STILL-DON’T-GETTA

Dubya visits Cleveland to tell people how great it is to live in a free Iraq.  Case in point: the happy metropolis of Tal Afar, a small Iraqi town proud of its unblemished record of weekly on-time curb-side rubble pick up.  “And these people are not in the least afraid that I am rubbing our one semi-positive accomplishment in the terrorist’s face,”  Bush boasted.  When asked by an actual non-planted audience member if it was imprudent to broadcast the name and location of this town so publicly, our Moron responded, “I am not afraid.  I do not run from the Is-lam-moe-fah-shists.  Bring it on.”  Dubya went on to announce his new security plan for Iraq - a “do not bomb” list for citizens that want to “opt out” from being called by cell phones attached to improvised explosive devices.  “With our continued effort and hard work,” Bush said, “I am certain that cities and towns will be ‘booming’ all over Iraq.”

Episode 607:   EXTERMINATOR TOO - INDICTMENT DAY

Former bug-man Tom “The Hammer” Delay,  mired in graft and corruption like a roach in a roach motel, announces his decision to leave Congress and practice crime in the private sector.  “I am excited to open a new and even more depraved chapter in my life, and to further enrich myself at the expense of all living creatures.  My skill set would be idea for a position like Mob boss, child-whore pimp-daddy, or K Street lobbyist.”  Dubya, asked what Washington would be like if the Hammer went to the slammer, replied “My judgment is that our party will continue to succeed, because we are the party of ideas.”  Like the Ba’ath Party, or the Communist Party, or the Nazi Party,  or the White People’s Party, or . . .

Episode 608:   PRESIDENT EVIL

Remember Episode 602 when Scooter said he was ordered by a White House superior to commit treason and leak the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame.  Remember when Scott McClellan told the press that “No one wanted to get to the bottom of it [the leak] more than the President of the United States.  Remember when Bush promised to fire anyone involved in leaking classified information.  Well in this episode the shi’ite hits the fan.  Pre-trial papers filed by Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald cite Scooter as saying that Cheney instructed him to leak Plame’s name (or Cheney would shoot him in the face), and that this was authorized by Dubya himself!  So the Moron that said he wanted to get to the bottom of the cesspool of lies and deceit was in fact there all along.  Can the Moron In Charge fire himself?

Episode 609:   THE DECIDER

Ultra-sophisticated and cultured Dubya, taking orders only from Dick Cheney (code name, Mother) comes to the rescue of his besieged Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld.  Poor Rummy has lost military street creed with his hommies, and is now as popular with his generals as Neidermeyer was with ROTC cadets at Faber College.  But Dubya thinks that Rummy is doing a heckuva job, just like Brownie did, and his instincts have never been wrong before!  So our Moron lays down the law with reporters - his law.  After all, that’s what the President does - he makes laws (according to the Moron).  Rummy stays: The Decider has decided.  In a related note, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan resigns, stating that he has been in “the position” for too long.  The Decider strikes again.

Episode 609:   BIG FISH

The MoronInCharge is asked by a German newspaper reporter what was the high point of his last five seasons of slapstick leadership.  Was it his stay-the-course focus upon finishing “My Pet Goat” after the second plane slammed into the WTC?  Was it making the slam-dunk case for going to war with Iraq because of non-existent WMD?  Was it his triumphant Top Gun visit to an aircraft carrier to declare “Mission Accomplished” three years and 2500 U.S. troops’ lives ago?  Was it his authorizing the outing of an undercover CIA agent’s identity to exact retribution on a political foe?  Was it circumnavigating the FISA court to perform unwarranted telephone surveillance on millions of US citizens?  Was it playing a guitar while New Orleans flooded?  No.  “The best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound perch in my lake,” said the Moron.  But even in this humble achievement, the President either was confused or lied - or both.  Seems that the world’s record for the largest fresh water perch is 4 pounds 3 ounces.  Now Dubya don’t like to lose, and the leader of the free world should rightfully be catching the biggest perch ever, but this is starting to smell like one big fish story.  Compounding the conspiracy, the official White House transcript of the interview claims that Bush referenced a bass and not a perch.  Reporters are heard to be murmuring the word “Bass-gate” to each other.  In an unrelated note, a suicide bomber detonates his car in the quiet Iraqi hamlet of Tal Afar, killing 24 and wounding 134 civilians.  This is the same peaceful hamlet that Dubya mentioned in Episode 606 as a “free city that gives reason for hope for a free Iraq.”  And undisputedly, Tal Afar is a free city in which suicide bombers and their cars are free to blow up.

Episode 610:   WALK THE LINE

The Moron is mad as hell, and he’s not gonna take it anymore!  He is fed up with accusations that, five years after 9-11, our borders are more porous than ever.  Sensing a photo-op moment, the Decider decides that it’s time for another meaningless gesture to deflect attention from exploding Iraq, exploding debt, exploding GOP scandals, and imploding poll numbers.  So it’s off to the border to ride in a dune buggy and proclaim Mission Accomplished once again.  Fresh from their 3rd or 4th deployment in Iraq, the National Guard troops (those still standing) will get the R&R they so desperately need sipping margaritas along the sunny border with Mexico.  They’ve been in the desert since 2003, so they’re already used to the heat.  The 6000 National Guard members that Dubya plans to send to the border will join Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s deputized border posse and the vigilante members of the civilian Minute Man Project.  Hopefully the underfunded and undermanned U.S. Border Patrol doesn’t get in the way.  What do they know about patrolling the border of the U.S.?  In unrelated news, the Intelligence Reform Bill that the MoronInCharge signed into law in 2004 promised to double the size of the U.S. Border Patrol, adding 2000 agents every year.  Due to lack of funding and attrition, there are actually 500 fewer agents on the border this year than last year.

Episode 611:   WARGAMES

Three guests at Club Gitmo commit suicide in a cynical ploy to bring attention to their plight.  This kind of self-serving "coordinated protest" is aptly described by Admiral Harris as a form of "asymmetrical warfare waged against us."  The lesson is not lost on the Moron In Charge.  Taking a page straight out of the terrorist's playbook, he decides that our soldiers in Iraq will also wage asymmetrical warfare to garner sympathy for our cause and mess with the enemy's head.  Tactics will include, but are not limited to:  entering into gunfights unarmed and outnumbered, walking around Sadr City alone at night, cruising the strip, and randomly blowing themselves up.  By playing the pity card, the insurgents are sure to put down their guns when they finally realize there just isn't any sport in killing Americans.  If this brilliant piece of psyops fails to work as planned, there's always the anthrax

Episode 612:   FAT GUY WHO SHAGGED ME

House Speaker Fat Hastard devours profits in a real estate deal that looks suspiciously criminal, if not  . . . evil.  Fat Hastard secretly owns a large parcel of land in Kendall County, IL purchased through a real estate trust with two other clandestine partners:  Number One and Number Two.  Coincidentally, Fat Hastard also pushed a highway bill through the House in 2002 with an earmark for construction of the $207 million Prairie Parkway, and the  proposed path of this highway is nae but 5 miles east of Fat Hastard’s bonny glen.  Location is everything in real estate, and thanks to the upcoming highway, what started out as cheap farmland is now as precious as Austin Power’s Mojo.  Fat Hastard has already sold 138 acres of his investment for a $1.5 million profit.  The main course is yet to come.

Episode 613:   THE JERK

The Moron’s knee slapping antics at the G8 Summit in Russia don’t go over well with the too-big-for-their-britches world leaders in attendance.  First, in a news conference with Vlad, Dubya offers his sagely advice to the Russian leader to foist more freedom upon his people:  Iraqi style.  Putin tersely responds, in effect, “Thank you, no.”  Then a reporter’s microphone is left on at a luncheon,  and the President is overheard while open-mouth chewing his cud and ruminating with Tony Blair:  “what they need to do is to get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this sh*t.”  Oooh, that’s going to ruffle some feathers back home with the Christian right.  At a later Q&A session with the Press, Dubya, the hungry caterpillar, is asked a serious question about the escalating violence in the Middle East, to which our Moron gives the statesman-like reply:  “I thought you were going to ask me about the pig.”  Apparently the pig wasn’t the only thing on his mind, because later at dinner the President creeps up behind German Chancellor Merkel and gives the alluring head of state a perve-squeeze that inspires a reflexive hold-break wrestling move taught to her in date-rape prevention class.  Thanks to the MoronInCharge, the world got a much needed moment of comic relief . . . because they were all laughing at us.  The good news is, the Moron didn’t start any new wars, yet (keep your eyes on the upcoming episodes).

Episode 614:   SOCIO-PATH TO 9-11

This episode is a dramatization that is drawn from a variety of sources, and straight out of the Moron’s ass -iduous search for the perpetrators of 9-11. 

There’s not a day that Dubya isn’t preoccupied with terrorism.  “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

Nevertheless, although he is focused like a laser on the Islamofascist threat, he is careful not to obsess too much on any one man - not even Osama Bin Laden.  “I don't know where he is.  I just don't spend that much time on him really, to be honest with you.” 

How could he, really, when Saddam Hussein, the notorious hot-blooded gay lover of Osama, hung his weapon (of mass destruction) over Dubya’s and every American’s head like the sword of Damocles?  “The use of armed force against Iraq is consistent with the United States and other countries continuing to take the necessary actions against international terrorists and terrorist organizations, including those nations, organizations, or persons who planned, authorized, committed, or aided the terrorist attacks that occurred on September 11, 2001." 

Of course, even with the most visionary of men, one may occasionally betray a moment’s doubt and confusion. 

BUSH: The terrorists attacked us and killed 3,000 of our citizens before we started the freedom agenda in the Middle East. They were …

QUESTION: What did Iraqi have to do with that?

BUSH: What did Iraq have to do with what?

QUESTION: The attacks upon the World Trade Center.

BUSH: Nothing . . .

That would explain why our Moron In Chief is unfairly beset by critics who dare to question why we continue to spend $8 billion each month to plunge an ungrateful, liberated, and free country into a brutal civil war.  “One of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.”  It’s not only “hard work” to make that connection today - it’s impossible.